A classic psychology study explored men's greater appetite for sex
without ties; an attractive male or female approached strangers of the
other sex at a college, declaring, "I have been noticing you around
campus. I find you very attractive." The collaborators with the
experiment then asked one of three questions, randomly selected before
approaching the subject: (a) Would you go out with me tonight? (b) Would
you come over to my apartment tonight? (c) Would you go to bed with me
tonight?
To the first question, both males and females assented 50% of the time.
To the second, 69% of males and 6% of females responded affirmatively.
To the third question, 75% of males, and 0% of females said yes, and the
men who declined often apologized and cited a conflict due to previous
plans.
Another study found males wanting an average of 18 sex partners in their
lifetime, compared to women, who reported desiring four to five
partners.
Kevin Zimmerman from Iowa State University, cites these studies in an
intriguing academic guide to sexually open relationships, which has
recently been published.
He marshals a host of scientific research which questions whether
everyone was really meant to be monogamous, and whether a great deal of
couples' unhappiness arises out of pre-supposing monogamy is the only
option.
Zimmerman raises the question of whether we could be socialized to
believe that to be devoted to a second person is to love the first less,
even though this standard does not apply when discussing adoring more
than one child, for example.
Zimmerman explains that open relationships are different from infidelity
or cheating because partners agree on the sexual boundaries of the
relationship, and there is no deception about sex. Successful open
relationships typically involve those who privilege authenticity over
conformity in their relationships. 'Open' relationships can be
characterised by more honesty and better observation of boundaries.
Zimmerman's paper is published in the 'Journal of Feminist Family
Therapy' - 'open' relationships are sometimes seen as raising the status
of women, releasing them to be with whom they want, bestowing greater
power over their own bodies. Some heterosexual feminist women prefer
'open' relationships, he points out, to avoid appearing dependent on
men, or out of contempt for being 'submerged' into a couple.
Surveys indicate that 79% of Americans believe that it's always wrong
for the married to conduct sexual relationships outside of marriage, yet
the most up to date research Zimmerman quotes indicates estimates of
infidelity are closer to 60% for men and 40% for women.
Monogamy is also the exception to relationships throughout the animal
kingdom. Zimmerman cites work contending that of 4,000 mammal species,
only about 3%, have been found to be monogamous, plus of the world's
roughly 400 species of primates, monogamy has been reported for only
nine.
Zimmerman argues even the shape of the male penis, together with male
thrusting, apparently facilitates removal of other males' semen from the
vagina, according to previous research. In monogamous species, males
and females are similar in body size and the males sport smaller
testicles compared to non-monogamous males - testicle and body size of
men in homo sapiens is what would be expected for a polygamous species.
Our body shape reveals we are not biologically designed to be faithful.
Zimmerman's paper entitled, 'Clients in Sexually Open Relationships:
Considerations for Therapists', explains that optimal evolutionary
strategy is to appear monogamous while being polygamous covertly. It
might be in the best interest of both men and women to present (or
misrepresent) themselves to potential mates as loyal. A particular
advantage might accrue to females who present (misrepresent) themselves
as having a low sex drive, linked to uncertainty of paternity.
Of the 185 human societies investigated in one study, only 29 restricted
their members to monogamy, in addition, 154 of the 185 societies
allowed men to have multiple partners if they could afford them.
Zimmerman explains that 'Partnered non-monogamy' refers to a committed
couple that allows for sex outside the central relationship. Swinging is
non-monogamy in a social context, also referred to as "the lifestyle",
'Polyamory' allows for partners to have more than one relationship that
is sexual, loving, and emotional. 'Polyfidelity' refers to three or more
people who have made a commitment to be in a primary relationship
together. A monogamous/non-monogamous partnership is one in which one
person is monogamous and the other is not.
Bisexual women appear numerous in polyamorous communities; the
standing joke being that they can "have their Jake and Edith too".
According to Zimmerman, research confirms homosexual couples are much
more likely to allow extra-dyadic sex. Two thirds of male couples of all
durations are in sexually open relationships. All 156 homosexual
couples in one sample who had been together for over five years,
described their relationships as being open, indicating that having an
open relationship may be related to couple longevity. Zimmerman also
cites surveys which confirm that heterosexual couples in open
relationships can be happy, intimate, and well-adjusted.
In a society in which monogamy is the only acceptable way to be in a
committed relationship, Zimmerman contends individuals who experience
attraction for anyone else besides their primary partner, often
experience guilt shame, and deceit. Being too invested in the idea of
monogamy and marriage paradoxically makes it more likely that many find
the only way to accommodate our non-monogamous biology, is to cheat.
Many choose to carry on a secret sex life rather than openly discuss and
resolve conflicts with their partners, because of the social taboos
that exist about extra-relational sex and sex generally.
These arguments and evidence suggest the stigma over open relationships
could be changing, and in the future, this lifestyle might even become
the norm. Zimmerman compares co-habitation before or instead of
marriage, around which there was a similar strong taboo just a
generation ago.
Zimmerman's paper contends that couples therapists might need to
confront their implicit 'hetero-centrism' - that heterosexuality and
heterosexual relationships are the norm against which all other
sexualities and sexual relationships should be judged.
One of the co-authors of this article (HH-N) experiences of working
in sexual therapy has been that the "I" generation (those born in
1980-99) seem less empathic towards partners' feelings and values and
seem less committed to life-long relationships. Many from all
generations live in "intimate" relationships that do not fulfil sexual
needs. Partners may be chosen because they are supportive or would make
good parents, but these qualities do not necessary match with being a
great lover.
Given the new opportunities provided by the internet, it is inevitable, sex outside marriages is therefore probably increasing.
Yet whether this is indeed a good thing, or not, remains open to question.
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/dr-raj-persaud/the-latest-psychological-guide-sexually-open-relationships_b_3290994.html
